Pankoke Wins It All!

The Strokes More Like Marlins Than Beloved Cubs, Says Champ

The Strokes Owner Aaron Pankoke has won the Overall Championship in the 2003 Santa Lechuga Power League. After wrestling control from Matt Martin's Las Tepatas and Ian Hicks' I'm Winning late in the season, Pankoke's Strokes never looked back, securing the coveted Ruiz Championship Cup with a furious playoff showing. Besides winning the Overall Championship, Aaron's power team was crowned Chimichanga Division Champ, Pitching Champ, Playoff Co-Champ, and Regular Season Champ.

"As tough as it was to see the Marlins beat my Cubs, I like that my Strokes performed like the Marlins," Pankoke said. "No one expected us to do well this year. We sat in the middle of the pack for most of the season, but we really did well when really it mattered, just like the Marlins. This year, I'm glad the Strokes didn't tank like the Cubs."

SLPL Commissioner Rube Furrow, recovering from jowl-replacement surgery early Sunday morning, was mostly unintelligible when commenting on Pankoke's feat. "Glee are umprest by Da Schtrokez dis yur," the commissioner said, which his mother Ruby interpreted as meaning "We are impressed by The Strokes this year."

"Dat waz a don fye deem," he mumbled. ("That was a darned fine team.")

For his feat, Pankoke will be presented with the Ruiz Cup. The Ruiz Cup, formerly known as the SLPL Championship Coffee Mug, is named after the tortured artist who created the infamous SLPL Bobblehead-of-Lettuce and later committed suicide for the wrath inflicted upon the world by the souvenir. Pankoke will also receive $628 in prize money.

2003 Champs and Money Winners Announced

The celebration in the Strokes clubhouse was tempered a bit last night when owner Pankoke supplied his team with a case of Miller Lite instead of the traditional champagne. "Hey, look, I won $628 ... I'm not going to blow it." Rumors are that Pankoke is upset with last year's winner, Stampeding Bovines Owner Sam Livernois, for having won so damn much money. "Look, if Sam hadn't won so much last year, they would never have created the 'Sam Clause,'" an unidentified team official said. "Aaron would have won $1405 had there been no Sam Clause." (The Sam Clause restricts the winnings of the Overall and Regular Season Champs to those categories; second place teams in all categories won by those champs become the money winners in those categories.)

Below are the 2003 Champions and Money Winners:

Category Champion Money Winner Amount
Burrito Las Tepetas
Matt Martin
I Gotta Fuzzbox and I'm Gonna Use It
Josh Walker
$25
Chimichanga The Strokes
Aaron Pankoke
I'm Winning
Ian Hicks
$25
Menudo Cabbage Farmers
Paul Martin
Cabbage Farmers
Paul Martin
$25
Quesadilla Tissue for Nasirayah
Vince Livernois
Tissue for Nasirayah
Vince Livernois
$25
Taco White Man's Overbite
Scott Brown
White Man's Overbite
Scott Brown
$25
Tamale Beauty Is In the Eye of the Beerholder
Kathy Livernois
Beauty Is In the Eye of the Beerholder
Kathy Livernois
$25
Bonus Points I'm Winning
Ian Hicks
Pepino Monos
Tony Livernois
I'm Winning
Ian Hicks
Pepino Monos
Tony Livernois
$25

$25
Hitting The Dudes
James Gallagher
The Dudes
James Gallagher
$50
Pitching The Strokes
Aaron Pankoke
White Man's Overbite
Scott Brown
$50
Playoff The Strokes
Aaron Pankoke
White Man's Overbite
Scott Brown
White Man's Overbite
Scott Brown
$75
Regular Season The Strokes
Aaron Pankoke
Las Tepetas
Matt Martin
$628
Overall The Strokes
Aaron Pankoke
The Strokes
Aaron Pankoke
$628

Congratulations to all 2003 Champs and Money Winners!

Playoff Stats Posted

Santa Lechuga Power League Webmaster Pedregoso Ríos has posted the latest standings to reflect all the playoff action. As usual, SLPL owners can see the standings by selecting from the menu above.

Joe Livernois' Santa Lechuga Bus Wreck, on the strong arms of three different pitchers, jumped out to an early Playoff Standings lead in Tuesday's playoff action.

To see team-by-team playoff rosters, click here.

To see player-by-player playoff stats, click here.

If you're having problems seeing the menu above, you can get to the standings by clicking on any of the following:

Congratulations to Aaron Pankoke's The Strokes!!!

2003 Regular Season Champ Celebrating Win, Cubs

Long-time Chicago Cubs fan and The Strokes Owner Aaron Pankoke is sitting on top of the world today after the Cubs took the National League Central title Saturday and, more importantly, after being named the 2003 Regular Season Champion for the Santa Lechuga Power League. Pankoke, who was coincidentally in Pittsburgh for business while the Cubs were beating the Pirates in Chicago to clinch the division, overcame strong competition down the stretch from Matt Martin's Las Tepatas and Ian Hicks' I'm Winning to win the Regular Season Championship.

"I don't know what I'm happier about: The Cubs winning the Central in the National League or The Strokes winning the Regular Season in Santa Lechuga," Pankoke said. "Maybe I'll spend some of my SLPL winnings on Cubs tickets next year."

Pankoke won over $600 for winning the Regular Season Championship after reaching the top spot for the first time with just weeks left in the season. Though Martin and Hicks kept the challenge hot until the very end, Pankoke's Strokes prevailed with improved hitting and league-leading pitching.

SLPL Commissioner Rube Furrow, speaking through the fog of his anesthesia after having his back-hair removed using the latest whizz-bang laser technology out of Korea, was impressed with Pankoke's accomplishment. "I mean, like, wow, dude ... that Aaron cat came out of nowhere like to ... you know ... what was I saying?" Furrow said. "Oh, yeah, like to make this race, you know, the mostest excitingest races the SLPL has ever seen. That was like ... uh, you know ... it was pretty far out, wasn't it?"

Still up for grabs are all the remaining championships, which will be awarded after the World Series. Still to be named are: All Division champs; Hitting and Pitching champs; Bonus Points champs; Playoff champs; and, Overall Champs. Stay tuned!

September 16 SLPL Digest: The Season Gets Interesting!

SANTA LECHUGA (Sept. 16, 2003) -- It's spinchter-clenching time for our various contenders. With less than three weeks left in the regular season, Aaron Pankoke's The Strokes holds a narrow 20-point lead for Overall Champ over Ian Hicks' I'm Winning (which he's not!). Pankoke is also barely ahead of the pack in the tough Pitching competiton . . . BUT HERE'S WHERE THINGS GET INTERESTING!: The most miserable teams in the league during the regular season -- you know who you are! -- can resurrect their crappy squads with smart trades for the postseason. Time to dump your roster of the Randy Johnson's of the league and load up on playoff-bound players. A homer in the World Series can earn a quick 100 points, propelling your wretched stink-bomb of a team into contention for the big money. Remember: Final trade deadline is the last day of the regular season!!
SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Santa Lechuga Power League cheerleader Hannah Hepner (daughter of perennial SLPL loser Susie Rochellle and sister of Marcus Rochellle) is a student at Cal (please don't hold that against her). She is studying at the Department of Nutrition and Toxicology and state budget cuts have forced the school to sell T-shirts to survive. This is great news for SLPL team owners, in that the T-shirts are of the Lechuga variety, with the slogan: "Got Leafy Greens?" Anyone interested in ordering a shirt and saving Hannah's college career can contact her at manatee_2002@hotmail.com. (See the full-text of Hannah's press release on the right.)

WIN A JAG: Meanwhile, former SLPL team owner Jeren Livernois, himself a student of a distinguished Northern California academy of higher learning (Cal State Stanislaus, aka "Turkey Tech"), also got himself roped into a fundraiser. His baseball team is raffling off a 1989 Jaguar for $20 a ticket. Interested gamblers can contact Rube Furrow (aka Joe Livernois) at jotaman@msn.com for more information. A savvy SLPL owner could find himself (or herself) cruising down the interstate in a cool Jag while wearing an authentic "Got Leafy Greens" T-shirt. Life doesn't get better than this!

FULL-TEXT OF HANNAH'S PRESS RELEASE

Good news for SLPL fans, a new line of merchandise with the slogan “Got Leafy Greens?” has been released this season. The Department of Nutrition and Toxicology at the University of California at Berkeley announced today that they are accepting pre-orders for t-shirts that are due out in three weeks. Student at UCB and SLPL follower, Hannah Hepner, is looking forward to the new shirts, but faces a problem: “This year I joined the Undergraduate Dietetics Student Association (UDSA) and now I have to sell six of these shirts!” The organization claims that the money raised is going to a good purpose: “This year we are putting on an internship symposium and inviting all of the Nutritional Science majors in the bay area” affirms Jenny Kidd, co-president of UDSA. Price per shirt is $10 and members of UDSA eagerly add that donations are also accepted. If interested in the purchase of a new, quality t-shirt, contact Hannah as soon as possible.

Rios Takes Vacation

Choosing one of the least opportune periods in this SLPL season -- with the top six or seven teams fighting it out for the top spot -- Webmaster Pedregoso Ríos has decided to take a vacation. As a result, the webpage, standings, trades, bonus point, et cetera, et cetera, will not be updated until Tuesday morning at the earliest. Before leaving for a long anticipated trip to Southern California, Ríos was quote as saying "Sorry dudes. Gotta go. Gotta go."

Rumor has it Ríos will be scouting some young talent near Tecate, Mexico, that he hopes to recruit to next year's Pepino Monos, who are currently lanuishing toward the bottom of the standings. An SLPL owner, who asked not to be identified, was quoted as saying, "Hey, after boneheadedly trading Sosa, then trading for Brooks Kieschnick -- Brooks Kieschnick!!! -- Ríos had better do something next year to prove he's not the imbecile he appears to be."

In his absence, SLPL owners are encouraged to click on the "RotoStandings" in the menu on the left to see the standings without the bonus points added.

August 21 SLPL Digest

Tight at the top: As of today, a mere 36 points separate Matt Martin from Aaron Pankoke and the top four contenders in the 2003 SLPL! And the battle for second place has been phenomenal, with Paul Martin crawling out of his sick bed and Ian Hicks holding tight . . . No bypass here: Paul Martin wins honors for the best trade of the year. Recovering from heart bypass surgery during the All-Star break, he still managed to declare his legal midseason trade. The kid has heart! . . . HUH??: The strangest trade might have been Tony Livernois' dumping of Randy Johnson in favor of Brooks Kieschnick. "Brooks who?" you might ask. Tony explains that Kieschnick is a pitcher who pinch hits often for the Milwaukee Brewers (which ought to tell you something about the Brewers' bench strength). Brooks had already hit a couple of homers prior to the break and he hit one after Tony picked him up, giving him some well-deserved points in the "Bonus Points" division of SLPL. At the moment, Tony is tied for second in Bonus Points, though he's 22nd overall. In other words, Kieschnick was a desperation trade.

2003 Mid-Season Trades Are Locked In

The winners of the 2003 Santa Lechuga Power League will be grateful to the teams below, who combined contributed cold hard cash to the tune of $190 bringing the total trade fees up to $710 and the overall pot to $1,460. This year's junkyard dogs were Shawn Green, Vladmir Guerrero, Matt Clement, and Randy Johnson. Albert Pujols and Jason Schmidt were this year's biggest mid-season hopefuls.

Team

Hitter Dropped

Hitter Added

Pitcher Dropped

Pitcher Added

Beauty Is In the Eye of the Beerholder

Moises Alou

Albert Pujols

Curt Schilling

Jason Schmidt

Cabage Farmers

Adam Dunn

Carlos Delgado

Jeff Weaver

Jason Schmidt

Geese's Gander

Jeff Bagwell

Jim Edmonds

Matt Clement

Mark Prior

I Gotta Fuzzbox and I'm Gonna Use It

Shawn Green

Garry Sheffield

Randy Johnson

Jason Schmidt

I'm Winning

Shawn Green

Garry Sheffield

Matt Clement

Carlos Zambrano

Las Tepetas

Vladmir Guerrero

Miguel Tejada

Byung-Hyun Kim

Mark Prior

Las Vegas Losers

Vladmir Guerrero

Albert Pujols

--

--

Los Dos Zetas

Eric Chavez

Sammy Sosa

Mark Mulder

Matt Clement

Pepino Monos

Brian Giles

Jim Edmonds

Randy Johnson

Brooks Kieschnick

Santa Lechuga Bus Wreck

Shawn Green

Mike Lowell

--

--

The Strokes

Shawn Green

Albert Pujols

--

--

Welcome Back My Friend to the Show that Never Ends ...

Cabbage Farmer Owner Paul Martin, recovering from his recent bypass surgery, didn't need any extra time to get his trades in, though he would have been allowed to do so. Checking in Wednesday night, Paul wrote:

thanks to everyone for all the thoughts and prayers.

i've realized that i'm a very lucky guy, for all the people that surround my life and for finding this problem before any real damage was done.

anyhow the important stuff. i'm going to trade weaver for schmidt and dunn for delgado

thanx, paul

Welcome back, Paul. On behalf of your fellow owners and the SLPL, here's wishing you a speedy recovery!

Arithmetic Is Fun!

A little quick quick math indicates that the most points that a team could have earned during the first half -- calculated by adding the top five pitchers and top ten hitters, including bonus points -- was 2,527. Impressively, Matt Martin's Las Tepetas, our current league leader with 1,826 points, actually earned 72 percent of the total possible. Meanwhile, James Gallagher's The Dudes, our hitting leader, has a total of 1,580 hitting points, which is 76 percent of the 2,037 points earned by the top ten hitters. And, amazingly, Aaron Pankoke's The Strokes earned 83 percent of the 490 possible points with 407.

Breaking News: SLPL Owner First in League History to Go on Disabled List

July 15, 2003 - In what is apparently a league first, SLPL Cabbage Farmers Owner Paul Martin has gone on the Disabled List. This message from Paul's brother (and Las Tepetas owner) Matt Martin:


I should probably pass the word...
 
Paul had heart surgery this past Saturday. He had a quadruple by-pass ... As far as things go, he is doing great. The surgeon said everything went very well. So, keep him in your prayers and get a check up at your doctor...

~Peace, Matt


SLPL officials officially extended the best of all possible wishes to Paul today in a released statement. "Besides being a helluva owner, he's a helluva guy," said Commissioner Rube Furrow. "We officially extend the best of all possible wishes to Paul. I say this despite the fact that he's in second place. And I say this despite the fact that he refuses to acknowledge that he's even related to me." Rube is reported to be Paul's first cousin once removed.

League officials have not yet publicly commented on the possibility of extending Paul's deadline for making mid-season trades (really, that's probably not on the top of his mind right now), but initial reports are that the league will treat him fairly and make every effort to not compound his health problems by being hard-asses about trade rules. Rumors that SLPL Vice President Pedregoso Ríos initially demanded a signed affidavit from Paul's surgeon, three nurses, and a notary public -- attesting that the quadruple bypass actually took place -- have been denied by a league source.

Fellow SLPL owners can e-mail get well wishes to Paul at col@santa-lechuga.com. Here's hoping for a speedy recovery!

2003 All-Star Break: Make Your Trades Now!

July 10 SLPL Digest

July 10, 2003 -- As we approach the All-Star break, it's a good time for most Santa Lechuga Power League owners to reflect pensively about what the heck went wrong this season. Was it only three months ago that we approached the season with such high expectations from our teams? How could the year have gone so horribly wrong? How could we have allowed not just one Martin -- but both Martins! -- to dominate the field this season? Many of you might be asking if there's a way Commissioner Rube Furrow could possibly "change the rules" unexpectedly to the detriment of the Martins. Rube is sorry, but he's already thought of everything and at this point it wouldn't be "fair" to change the rules. However, it is possible that Rube could throw the Martins out of the league if he can come up with some phony but serious allegation of malfeasance. For instance, Furrow could determine that the Martins are using corked bats. Perhaps there's been hints and allegations about steroid use? We might even discover the Martins in bed with Kobe Bryant . . . FAILING THAT, there is hope for the rest of us by playing by the SLPL bylaws. The All-Star trade period is upon us and all team ownership groups have a chance to get rid of the disappointments on their teams and replace them with the Next Big Stud that can propel your teams to greatness. Here's how it works:

Mid-Season Trades
At mid-season, during the All-Star break, you will be allowed to trade one (1) hitter and one (1) pitcher. You will receive the first-half stats of the player you trade and the second-half stats for the player you trade for.
 
Mid-Season Trade Fees
$10 per trade

Mid-Season Trades will be in effect for MLB games starting Thursday, July 17.

Click here for a complete list of SLPL Rules.

Click here for a complete list of SLPL Payouts.

June 10 SLPL Digest

Rube Furrow ought to know better by now, of course. In the last newsletter, your league commissioner poked fun at Tony Livernois for the lackluster performance of both his wretched teams. Almost immediately, Furrow's own team, the Santa Lechuga Bus Wreck, dropped down the standings like a bowling ball from the Washington Monument . . . BREAK UP THE MARTINS: Thank goodness Ian Hicks can handle a ballclub, otherwise we'd be looking at a potential Martin sweep this year. At the moment, Matt Martin's Las Tepetas is riding Albert Pujols and Byung-Hyun Kim to the top of the heap, while Paul Martin's Cabbage Farmers is chomping at Ian's heels to get to his brother. Is that a Rally Monkey in the Martins' pocket, or are they just happy the Angels won the Series last year? . . . ANYONE CAN PITCH: Who said a strong pitching staff is the key to success? Dan Klinkhamer's Hey How Ya Doin? is a strong second in the pitching category as of today, yet he's a distant 16th in overall standings. Can't anyone on this team HIT, for crying out loud? . . . ANYONE CAN HIT: Conversely, James Gallagher's The Dudes is riding high in the hitting category, but is limping along in 9th place overall. Can anyone loan James some trade money? Uncle? . . . TISSUE FOR VINCE: Speaking of sadness, Vince Livernois (of Tissue for Nasirayah fame) has moved his team to Bakersfield, where he has reportedly sold half interest in his team to Buck Owens. Yee-ha!

May 15 SLPL Digest

NEAT TRICK: Our Santa Lechuga Webmaster, Pedregoso Rios (aka Tony Livernois), has been suffering this season in ways that would impress the Detroit Tigers. On May 14, both of Tony's teams were in last place in their respective divisions. Keep up the good work, Tony! . . . THE KID ROCKS: Our team from Indiana, Ian Hicks' I'm Winning, has been keeping pace with the big boys this season. Word is that Ian pulls himself from the basketball court and the soccer field each day to check the standings. And he must like what he sees: He's battling for the top spot overall and isn't far off the pace in his Chimichanga division, where he and Aaron Pankoke's The Strokes are battling it out for the prize money. WELCOME TO SANTA LECHUGA: Commissioner Rube Furrow extends a hearty welcome to Bill Cunning, who has teamed up with Jim Cummings to form the brain trust for the Washingtino Bullets this season. Rube also notes that Cunning & Cummings is NOT a law firm . . . HOT CHIMICHANGAS: So far, the elite conference in this year's league comes out of the Chimichanga Division, where three teams were in the top six overall leaders. Hold the salsa! These teams are already sizzling! USE THOSE TRADES: We've opened it up a bit more this year, so get rid of the bums while they're stinkin'. Also, don't forget to PAY for your trades. Rube thanks you in advance. LOVE SHAQ: Rube extends his sincere condolences to all you Lakers' fans out there. Let's hope the Kings can pull out Game 7; the world doesn't need more junk from Texas.

April 24 SLPL Digest

Pedregoso checkin' in for Rube Furrow, who's said to be up to his neck in dirty diapers after the recent birth of his granddaughter Ruby. Word is that he'll be back next week sometime. OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT, PART I Rube's asked me to make it official: The 2003 SLPL, in an effort to juice the pot for the Overall Champ and Regular Season Champ, is officially reducing the winnings for Division Champs (from $50 to $25), Hitting/Pitching Champs (from $100 to $50), the Bonus Point Champ (from $100 to $50), and the Playoff Champ (from $150 to $75). As of today, this increases the pot for our Overall Champ and Regular Season Champ from $60 to $248 apiece; the pot for these guys will go up with every trade SLPL owners make this year. OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT, PART II Speaking of trades, Rube's also asked me to make it official: In an effort to further juice the pot for the Overall Champ and Regular Season Champ, the 2003 SLPL is instituting Premium Trades, available to any George Steinbrenner wanna-be's who erroneously believe they might be able to buy themselves a championship. Here's how it will work: In addition to the two Mid-Season trades and two Disabled-List trades, 2003 SLPL owners can make two Premium Trades for $20 per trade. Premium Trades can be made anytime during the year but before the playoffs begin. THE FIRST GEORGE STEINBRENNER WANNA-BE Okay, I'll bite. The Pepino Monos will be the first to make a Premium Trade by ditching C.C. Sabathia and picking up Javier Vazquez. That puts $20 in the coffers for our ultimate winners. Let the trading begin. WORKING MAGIC, PART I Newcomer Pelona Cristal (Luz Elena Gonzalez) and her Los Brujos de Leon (The Leon Wizards) are doin' some serious voodoo on the rest of us so far. With 450 points, she's leading Paul Martin's second place Cabbage Farmers by almost 50 points. Congrats to her for an outstanding start! What kind of magic is that she's practicing anyway? WORKING MAGIC, PART II Congrats also to the Detroit Tigers, who doubled their season win total yesterday by beating the A's. APOLOGIES go out to the entire Brown clan for the shame they suffered since it WAS the A's that the Tigers beat.

SLPL Digest

04/13/2003

DON'T MAKE ME COME AFTER YOU Rube wants to remind all Team Ownership Groups that April 15 is the deadline to submit entry fees. We do have teams waiting in the wings, hoping for a piece of the action. Those who have failed to pay fall into three categories: 1. They forgot, or 2. their surname is Brown, or 3. their surname is Martin. Either way, please let me know whether I'll be receiving payment soon. If not, I'll summon Team Ownership Groups waiting in the wings. Oddly, Rube has received payment from Jeff Brown for a trade, but not the entry fee...

A RECORD TRADE Congratulations to Jim Cummings, owner of the Washingtino Bullets, for submitting the earliest trade in Santa Lechuga history. Cummings watched in horror as his Derek Jeter got his shoulder knocked into left field on Opening Day, but promptly submitted his trade... SUBMITTED FOR CONSIDERATION Tony notes that, due to the limited number of participants this year, the overall champion won't be winning a big pot after winners of divisions are paid. He suggests we reduce payments to division winners from $50 to $25. What does the rest of the league think? Please reply to Rube with your suggestions.

Rube Welcomes Ruby

"Commissioner Gramps" on Cloud Nine

SANTA LECHUGA (SLPL News) 04/06/2003- Commissioner Rube Furrow announced today that he is now a grandpa. Quoting from his press release, titled "We Got Ourselves an Infant," Rube said:

She's a she and she goes by the Ruby Genevieve Furrow. Born about 10:30 p.m. Saturday, April 5. Five pounds, six ounces and 19 inches long. She's five weeks early but healthy and strong.
On first impression, she's a spittin' image of her Mom. She worked Rose for 29 hours before making her appearance. Rose is doing great; Josh is beaming. And Grandpa Rube (or just plain "Gramps") is on Cloud Nine.

Reports from those close to Rube said he's elated that Josh and Rose chose to name Ruby after him. No one is sure how Ruby feels about it.

E-mail congrats to Rube by clicking here.

Who's In First? What's In Second? I Dunno's In Third

Standings Posted to Website, Above Questions Answered

SANTA LECHUGA (SLPL News) 04/02/2003- Pedregoso Ríos announced this morning that the standings for the 2003 Santa Lechuga Power League have already been posted to the website. "Check 'em out, I got 'em done sooner rather than later!" the elated webmaster said after posting the standings. "I'm glad to have that out of the way."

The standings, which look similar to last year's standings (sans 18 loser teams), have been posted toward the top of the website and can be accessed using the links "Overall," "Division," "Hitting," "Pitching," "Bonus," and "Natural."

Said Ríos, "The Natural divison is the only one without any official payouts ... but teams within these divisions are encouraged to place side wagers just to make things even more interesting."Ríos said he hopes to keep the standings up-to-date daily but may have to take some time off every now and then. "Sure, I might have to take a day or two off here and there, but owners can always click on 'RotoStandings' in the left menu to get a feeling for what's happening while I'm away. Those standings won't reflect bonus points or depict division breakdowns, so they aren't perfect, but it still gets you in the ballpark."

SLPL Digest

Vol. 2003-01 - 03/31/2003

Welcome to the 2003 season! Especially those of you who have joined for the first time. This is the lazy man's fantasy league. You won't have to spend a half-hour every morning poring over OBP and IBB stats to succeed. But we try to have fun with it . . . Check it out: Once again, Webmaster Tony Livernois has created a boffo site for this season's fun and frivolity. Be sure to check in at www.santa-lechuga.com for daily updates on scores, etc. And Tony has asked me to encourage everyone to use the chat room. Best stretch for a name: As you scan the list of team names, you might wonder about "Tissue for Nasariyah" submitted by the team ownership group headed by Vince. Vince explains that he always thinks he should say "gesundheit" whenever he hears a TV announcer mention Nasariyah! A fitting champ: For those of you who want to see how a REAL champion comports himself, we are proud to offer John Livernois as an example. He doesn't gloat, he doesn't bad-mouth his opposition. He is confident in the knowledge that he won the whole ball of wax last year and is not compelled to rub everyone's nose in it. He WON, for God's sake. He's the CHAMP. As far as he is concerned, that's all that matters. Perhaps some Angel fans we know might want to follow Sam's example.

Batter Up!

Commissioner Says Contraction a "Darwinian Inevitability", Welcomes New Teams

03/31/2003 (Updated at 6:00 p.m. CST)

SANTA LECHUGA (SLPL News) - Using language that appears to have been scripted by his newly-hired PR firm, Santa Lechuga Power League Commissioner Rube Furrow announced today that contracting 21 teams from the league was a "Darwinian inevitabilty that will make the league stronger, more interesting, and oodles more competitive."

Furrow, after contracting several pathetic losers from last year's league while adding three new teams for a total of 30 teams, said "Let's face it, there were some real dogs in the league. Sure, we enjoyed having their ownership fees. Of course we celebrated when they made pointless trades that helped beef up the pot for the real owners. And obviously we chuckled to ourselves when they thought they had a remote chance of lucking into the Bonus Points payout. But I like the league we have this year. The real competitors have stayed with us. As they say, only the strong survive."

The defending champion Stampeding Bovines are really going to try to defend their championship this year. It was rumored that the owner Homer Bedlow was considering bowing out of the league this year, wanting to go out on top, but apparently his competitive juices got the best of him. "Hey, I'm going to win it again," the smug Bedlow said. "In fact, I'm going to win it with the exact same roster as I had last year. Take that to the bank!"

Rube welcomed a couple new teams to the league this year. "There's a kid in Bloomington, Indiana, named Ian Hicks that we better keep on eye on," Furrow said. "He named his team 'I'm Winning,' which tells you something right there. His roster looks tough. And his team is playing in a place called Fire Cannon Stadium. Watch out."

Smart Alec, a new team from Antelop, California, also looks competitive, according to Furrow. "I'm hearing amazing things about the talent on this kid's team. And I hear he runs one tight operation. Smart kid. Smart operation. Smart Alec Puente ... I have the feeling that we'll be hearing from him before the season's over."

Furrow continued. "And don't be surprised if that new team from Mexico, Los Brujos de Leon, makes a splash," the commissioner said. "I know the owner, Luz Elena Gonzalez, and if anyone has the right to name her team 'The Wizards,' it's Luz. She could have a magical year."

Meanwhile, SLPL Vice President and Web Master Pedregoso Ríos -- who said he's seriously craving some good old fashioned supberb Mexican food, the likes of which can be found Camacho's Place in El Centro, CA -- has completed the Division Lottery. Here are this year's divisions, chosen completely at random and named after some of Ríos' favorite menu items:

La División De Burrito

La División De Chimichanga

La División De Menudo

La División De Quesedilla

La División Del Taco

La División De Tamale

Ball Knockers
Lorena Bobbit (Katie and Justin Livernois)

Big Guys Big Guys
Chip Brown

I Gotta Fuzzbox and I'm Gonna Use It
Fuzz Face (Josh Walker)

Las Tepetas
Pelon Buey (Matt Martin)

Smart Alec
Alec Puente

Geese's Gander
Wayne Giesen

I'm Winning
Ian Hicks

Los Brujos de Leon
Luz Elena Gdez. (Luz Elena Gonzalez)

Stampeding Bovines
Homer Bedlow (Sam Livernois)

The Strokes
Aaron Pankoke

Cabbage Farmers
Col Martinez (Paul Martin)

The Dudes
The Dude (James Gallagher)

Las Vegas Losers
James Woo

Pepino Monos
Pedregoso Ríos (Tony Livernois)

Revancha de Sandi
Myrna Loy (Mirna Adriano)

Beat Some Ash
Jack M. Outt (Dave Jannusch)

Bowa's Constrictors
George Dunne

15 Scalps and a Bad Hair Life
Ken Aspromonte (Tony Livernois)

Las Dos Zetas
Chuy Chicle (Richard Livernois)

Tissue for Nasirayah
Saddamnit Anyway (Vince Livernois)

Hey, Howya' Doin?
Dan Klinkhamer

Magic Johnsons
Jeff Brown

S's BBTeam
S (Susie Rochellle)

Washingtino Bullets
Mucho Goings (Jim Cummings)

White Man's Overbite
Mr. Overbite (Scott Brown)

Beauty Is In the Eye of the Beer Holder
Serena St. Paul (Kathy Livernois)

French Freedom Fries
Malcolm Foley (Marcus Rochellle)

Los Leones
Luciernaga (Lucy Juarez)

Riot Act
Kevin Klinkhamer

Santa Lechuga Bus Wreck
Gabby Lechuga (Joe Livernois)

With the divisions announced, Ríos will now get to work on getting the standings posted. "It'll take maybe a week before we have the standings posted. Bear with me."

Ríos suggested that owners check out the website often. "Who knows how fast I'll be able to get everything posted? Here's hoping it's sooner than later."

Previous Updates

QUOTE OF
THE DAY
 "In our mind, it's not an upset at all. In everybody else's mind, it's a humongous upset. Nobody gave us a chance," ~Jeff Conine, after winning the World Series
2003 SLPL
LEADERS
* * * FINAL STANDINGS * * *
OVERALL
1 The Strokes 3994
2 Las Tepetas 3916
3 White Man's Overbite 3905
BURRITO
1 Las Tepetas 3916
2 I Gotta Fuzzbox... 3574
CHIMICHANGA
1 The Strokes 3994
2 I’m Winning 3806
MENUDO
1 Cabbage Farmers 3843
2 Revancha de Sandi 3541
QUESADILLA
1 Tissue for Nasirayah 3737
2 Las Dos Zetas 3511
TACO
1 White Man's Overbite 3905
2 Hey, Howya Doin'? 3531
TAMALE
1 Beauty Is In the Eye... 3646
2 Los Leones 3246
BONUS
1 I’m Winning 160
- Pepino Monos 160
2 The Strokes 140
HITTING
1 The Dudes 3084
2 The Strokes 3007
3 Las Tepetas 2973
PITCHING
1 The Strokes 987
2 White Man's Overbite 973
3 Las Tepetas 943
PLAYOFFS
1 The Strokes 511
- White Man's Overbite 511
3 Tissue for Nasirayah 501
FINAL 2003 SEASON STANDINGS
All Standings
Overall Standings
Division Standings
Hitting Standings
Pitching Standings
Bonus Points Standings
Natural Standings
FINAL REGULAR SEASON STANDINGS
All Standings
Overall Standings
Division Standings
Hitting Standings
Pitching Standings
Bonus Points Standings
Natural Standings
THE POT
* * * FINAL * * *
$1,630
Ownership Fees
$750
Transaction Fees
$880
POT DISTRIBUTION
* * * FINAL * * *
Burrito Champ $25
Chimichanga Champ $25
Menudo Champ $25
Quesadilla Champ $25
Taco Champ $25
Tamale Champ $25
Bonus Champ $50
Hitting Champ $50
Pitching Champ $50
Playoff Champ $75
Regular Season Champ $628
Overall Champ $628
BONUS POINTS
60 points - Kerry Wood HR (10/15)
20 points - Randy Johnson HR (9/19)
20 points - Brooks Kieschnick HR (9/17)
20 points - Brooks Kieschnick HR (9/13)
20 points - Brooks Kieschnick HR (8/6)
20 points - Carlos Zambrano HR (7/25)
20 points - Kerry Wood HR (6/24)
20 points - Mark Prior HR (4/25)
20 points - Kerry Wood HR (4/17)
20 points - Matt Morris HR (4/16)
QUOTE OF
THE DAY
 "In our mind, it's not an upset at all. In everybody else's mind, it's a humongous upset. Nobody gave us a chance," ~Jeff Conine
2003 SLPL
LEADERS
* * * FINAL STANDINGS * * *
OVERALL
1 The Strokes 3994
2 Las Tepetas 3916
3 White Man's Overbite 3905
BURRITO
1 Las Tepetas 3916
2 I Gotta Fuzzbox... 3574
CHIMICHANGA
1 The Strokes 3994
2 I’m Winning 3806
MENUDO
1 Cabbage Farmers 3843
2 Revancha de Sandi 3541
QUESADILLA
1 Tissue for Nasirayah 3737
2 Las Dos Zetas 3511
TACO
1 White Man's Overbite 3905
2 Hey, Howya Doin'? 3531
TAMALE
1 Beauty Is In the Eye... 3646
2 Los Leones 3246
BONUS
1 I’m Winning 160
- Pepino Monos 160
2 The Strokes 140
HITTING
1 The Dudes 3084
2 The Strokes 3007
3 Las Tepetas 2973
PITCHING
1 The Strokes 987
2 White Man's Overbite 973
3 Las Tepetas 943
PLAYOFFS
1 The Strokes 511
- White Man's Overbite 511
3 Tissue for Nasirayah 501
FINAL 2003 SEASON STANDINGS
All Standings
Overall Standings
Division Standings
Hitting Standings
Pitching Standings
Bonus Points Standings
Natural Standings
FINAL REGULAR SEASON STANDINGS
All Standings
Overall Standings
Division Standings
Hitting Standings
Pitching Standings
Bonus Points Standings
Natural Standings
THE POT
* * * FINAL * * *
$1,630
Ownership Fees
$750
Transaction Fees
$880
POT DISTRIBUTION
* * * FINAL * * *
Burrito Champ $25
Chimichanga Champ $25
Menudo Champ $25
Quesadilla Champ $25
Taco Champ $25
Tamale Champ $25
Bonus Champ $50
Hitting Champ $50
Pitching Champ $50
Playoff Champ $75
Regular Season Champ $628
Overall Champ $628
BONUS POINTS
60 points - Kerry Wood HR (10/15)
20 points - Randy Johnson HR (9/19)
20 points - Brooks Kieschnick HR (9/17)
20 points - Brooks Kieschnick HR (9/13)
20 points - Brooks Kieschnick HR (8/6)
20 points - Carlos Zambrano HR (7/25)
20 points - Kerry Wood HR (6/24)
20 points - Mark Prior HR (4/25)
20 points - Kerry Wood HR (4/17)
20 points - Matt Morris HR (4/16)

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Updated by Pedregoso Ríos, Majority Owner, Pepino Monos
E-mail: pedregoso@santa-lechuga.com

Copyright ©2003 by Joe Livernois and Tony Livernois.
All rights reserved.